Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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