I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
