You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
