i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
