Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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