Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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