How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
