do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
