the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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