I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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