Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
