Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
