While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
