Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
