He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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