I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
