Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
