I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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