Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
