watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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