Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
