Betty ford says i'm here all night
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
