I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
