he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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