you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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