It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
