Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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