Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
