Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Randomize
