You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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