I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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