And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
