Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
