His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
In America we eat man semen.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
