I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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