literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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