I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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