There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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