where am i from again
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
