just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
