Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
