that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
