I looked at my own cervix.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
