The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
