When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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