Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
