The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
