the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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