so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
