He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
