At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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