It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
