it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
