I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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